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on lighting matches to crazy dreams

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I spent this past weekend tracking one of my closest friends as she raced the Marquette Marathon, and really, chased a dream she’s been working toward since 2016. Amy is my definition of resilience and strength and basically anything else that represents determination. I was clinging to my phone all morning and grateful for good friends for sending me continuous updates.

Twenty years ago she qualified for Boston, and her goal was to get there again.

She crossed the finish line with a time of 3:35.

She needed a 3:50.

Here’s where I need to back it up a bit, because there is more to this story and more to this woman than just these 26.2 miles.

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are you the arrow or the ocean waves?

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I ran a 10-mile race on Saturday.

Completely unplanned. Spur of the moment. No goal in mind.

I woke up Saturday morning with a capable, prepared and ready body where running a 10-mile race felt like an invitation. Even with my hubby out of town and three soccer games staring me down, I had a window of time. I could make it work. (Big love to my mom for helping with kiddo logistics.)

I drove to the start line and registered on the spot. No stress, no fuss, no Garmin. There was no worry or anxiousness flowing through me – I noticed this right away. In a quick body scan, I felt a sense of calm and confidence. My inner wise self whispered, “Good job for showing up. Proud of you. This is exactly what you need, enjoy it.”

My training this year has been less of an arrow flying toward its target, and more of steady ocean waves – deeply committed but unconcerned with where they are going.

And can I tell you – I’ve always wanted to be this kind of runner.

I’ve always craved ease within the sport. I’ve always longed to be committed to the practice, but unburdened with the outcome. To return to it over and over again without asking it to be anything other than true self-love – a gateway to presence and joy.

It reminded me of a recent conversation I had with my dear running friend Anne. She had just finished a fierce and tough training cycle and marathon, and we both found ourselves a bit weary and lost.

We talked about the kind of runners we wanted to be.

We talked about the kind of runner we longed to be.

Who was she? What did she love? How did she train?

How did she create space so that she was always falling back in love with this sport?

I feel like this weekend’s race was my answer to this question. Right now, I’m not the arrow. I am the ocean waves.

Okay. About the race!

It was awesome. The temp was perfect.

Before the race started I spotted my good friend Steena. Oh look! Friends! As it turns out she signed up last minute too, and showed up without her watch. YES!

Hills! So many damn hills. The only bonus was every uphill rewarded you with a downhill or easy flat. But still, argh.

A group of strong AF high school/college-ish girls passed me at mile 5. I’m assuming they were part of a team – they were completely in sync. I was proud of them for being out there, and pissed that I couldn’t keep up with them. I tried for one mile and then CAUGHT MYSELF trying to make this race about something it wasn’t meant for. I eased up. Felt better.

Coach Heidi! I texted her Friday night to let her know I was thinking about this race. She of course said, “Go for it!” I love her – she’s so patient with me. She is continuously adjusting my workouts to match my life and mood, which is no easy task. She was at mile 6 with her hubby and kids cheering! #thankscoach

Mile 8 sucked! Not sure why. It must be right of passage to have one mile that is complete shit? For about 8 minutes I was angry and grumpy.

Nearly the entire last mile was uphill. Faaaaaaaaccccccccck.

Despite the hill, I felt strong the last .5 mile of the race. I thought about if this was a 13.1 race how I’d fair for another 3.1 miles. I liked my odds, and it gave me hope for a solid half marathon sometime this year.

Finish line! Felt strong. Felt fierce. High-fived fellow #FFCrew friends. Photos. Smiles!

Checked my time. 1:20! 8 min miles! That sounded about right. My body and mind always find their way to 8 min miles. #sweetspot

GUESS WHO WON FIRST IN HER AGE GROUP! This old lady! It was unexpected, but totally awesome.

Felt great. Felt really proud and happy. When I found coffee I felt even BETTER. My mom picked me up. Off to cheer my girls on in soccer! More coffee.

Woke up Sunday feeling grateful and not sore! Rested even though I wanted to run. More coffee and Sunday snuggles.

Something I realized yesterday:

There was something incredibly unfettered and pure about showing up to this race without any layers or expectations weighing on me.

It was just me.

There were a handful of moments when I could have made it about something else. A goal. Beating a time. Racing with those college girls. Hitting a pace.

And then it hit me: If I’m not careful, I’m going to rob myself of  just enjoying the moment.

But I love, love, love that I saw it all coming yesterday. My inner wise-self recognized every temptation to attach this run to something bigger, grander and goal-ish.

And she had NONE of it. She had created this beautiful spur-of-the-moment space and she protected it.

I’m proud of myself for holding that space and letting this run be about me. (Except that one mile with the track girls – hey, #workinprogress and #oldhabitsdiehard.)

So, your turn. A few things I want to leave you with as you start the week…

When is the last time you intentionally created space to do something just as yourself… for yourself?

 Do you notice when an outside force hijacks the original purpose of your endeavor? (Things like ego, comparison, worthiness, what others will think, judgment.)

Are you open or closed to new things right now? (Envision your body with tight arms or wide open arms. Imagine speedy short breaths or expansive deep breaths.) Are you rushing through life and things and goals? That is, are you even allowing the magic in and space to find you? When I’m feeling grumpy it’s usually because (metaphorically) I’m not open to the magic. I’m closed off, which makes creating space so much harder.

Are you the arrow or the waves right now? In this moment, which of these do you need – which feels good? No judgment at all. Just notice. Everything is a season.

And lastly – how would it feel to fully lean in? Can you lean in to where you’re at and LOVE HER WHOLLY? The beauty in making this decision is it grounds your practice. Staying in the static and manic back and forth will exhaust you.

Surrender to the journey of an arrow – fully present, purposeful and claiming her power. Give yourself permission to own this.

Or surrender to the journey of the ocean waves – committed but unconcerned with outcome. Give yourself permission to own this.

And know that you’ll be the other soon enough, because that’s how seasons work.

Okay. That’s it. Thanks for reading my rambling thoughts from a 10-mile run.

Shoot me back a note on those prompts and questions. I so enjoy reading your reflections. And let me know if you’re feeling the arrow or waves – I’d love to hear.

Xo

Mel

It’s probably you.

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It’s probably you.

I know you want to place it out there. I know you want to blame something or someone. I know you want to justify inaction with unfair circumstances.

I know.

But maybe that resistance you’re feeling is because facing change is hard.

Maybe that anger you’re feeling is about a boundary you didn’t hold.

Maybe that blame you’re casting is intertwined with your own ego.

Maybe it’s your belief that you don’t deserve the happiness right in front of you.

For a moment it always feels good throwing it out into the universe and convincing yourself it’s not yours to own.

But it’s probably you.

As Brené Brown said so brilliantly in her recent Netflix show, you’re probably working your shit out on other people.

Your pain, anger, loneliness and fear. It’s not about them. They didn’t do it to you. Or if they triggered it, it likely wasn’t on purpose. (Heck, they probably don’t even know you’re currently holding them hostage in your perception of it.)

During my run yesterday, I let a LOT of thoughts come up – the ones I fear feeling because they show me all my stuff. Every time I think I’m done with it, another lesson comes my way. I get angry, and then I surrender. (And then I usually run.)

Because here’s how it works: When I am making a big, brave decision, I ALWAYS bump up against my limiting belief related to playing big. I like to revert to playing small (and pretend I’m content there) because I fear who I’ll be with success. My definition of success has less to do with money or achievement and so much more to do with ease. (That’s a story for another time.)

So it’s good news to feel this discomfort, but damnit it’s still exhausting.

So yeah girl, I see you. These trenches are hard, but stay in them.

Because here’s the most powerful and amazing thing: If it’s about you, it’s about YOU. 

You hold all the power.

You get to decide.

It’s your story to write.

Decide with me to do the work and see what you’re capable of. See what’s waiting for you. 

Hard, yes. Worth it, beyond measure.

xo

Mel

 

Ladies, grab your buckets and find the flames

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I love when people who have been through hell walk out of the flames carrying buckets of water for those still consumed by the fire.
– Stephanie Sparkles

This is motherhood to me.

This is the beauty and brokenness of Mother’s Day.

This is the real, unspoken ‘can we be honest’ version.

Not flowers, not brunch, not presents.

I believe motherhood and everything it touches is about carrying the buckets.

Women carrying around buckets of water, ready to show up and love each other and say important things like…

I know this hurts
This isn’t fair
It’s not your fault
You didn’t deserve that
I know you’re tired
Guilt is real
I’m sorry
I’m angry with you
You can do this
Take the meds
I’ll watch them while you sleep
I know you miss her
I know you miss him
I’m here
Eat something
It’s okay to be angry
I’m pissed with you
I think you need to talk to someone
You’re not screwing them up
You’re doing the best you can
You’re the hero
I’m coming over
I’m coming over (again at 3 am)
You’re stronger than you think
This didn’t happen for a reason
You are not broken
This is not your fault
You are a warrior
You are brave
I’m here no matter what

WE are the greatest gifts we can give each other. We are the ones who know, who ache, who rage, who rejoice, who celebrate. We are the ones we need.

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Taking Healthy Risks

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🙌🏻Take a healthy risk. 🙌🏻

This was the lesson I received from Alexis’s middle school orientation last night.

“We want them taking healthy risks. This is the time in their life when they need to try new things and put themselves out there a bit.”

I’m sure he and the other teachers said many other useful things that I should have been writing down, but all I could focus on were these words that both captivated and calmed me.

So this is what I wrote down:

My 6th grade mama job – encourage healthy risks.

Okay. Got it. I can do this.

Also me: Gets in car after meeting and immediately Googles ‘what is a healthy risk.’ 😬🤣🤔

Turns out my job next year is to simply be there while Alexis makes decisions and figures out her own boundaries and identity. I’m also not supposed to impose my beliefs or opinions upon her because apparently (yes, insert heavy sarcasm and air quotes) I need to step back and let her fail, feel uncomfortable and take risks on her own. And apparently (yup, more sarcasm) the more I intervene the more she’ll pull back and the less likely she’ll share with me.  🙄🙄🙄

FAAAAACCCCCCKKKKKK.

Healthy risks are going to give me an ulcer.

I kept researching and reading and one thing is clear: the more kids observe their parents and adult role models taking healthy risks, the more they will learn, be brave and model that behavior.

HA! I’m not kidding – when I read this I felt like I had found the sneaky back door to still control – I mean be a part of – the GAME! #putmeincoach

But of course it makes sense.

When our kids see us constantly stepping out of our comfort zones and doing new and brave things, they aren’t just paying attention to whether we fail or succeed – they are watching us attempt.

They’re watching you go for the dream job, and get it. They’re watching you go for the dream job, and not get it.

They’re watching you go for the gutsy PR, and reach it. They’re watching you go for the gutsy PR, and not reach it.

But most importantly, they’re just watching you GO FOR IT.

That’s all I have to do.
That’s all YOU have to do.

Especially when we feel helpless, right? We just keep mirroring back to them the kind of life we want them to live. We just keep showing up in the hard moments and conversations we don’t want them to run from. And we keep making choices aligned with our values so they understand what fulfillment should look and FEEL like.

We just have to keep going for the things we love and showing them all different sides of brave choices.

Celebrating wins.
Learning from losses.
Risking pride.
Choosing courage over comfort. (Go Brené!)

So, I made a healthy risk today. I signed up for an 8-week intensive writing program. If I want to get better at writing, this is a great opportunity. I’m nervous but really excited.

It also felt really good to take a healthy risk. This course was a big investment, and it will be a huge time commitment. The worst that can happen is I’ll be very uncomfortable, pushed into new creative depths and feel clumsy within my craft. I can handle that!

Okay. Your turn. 🙌🏻

This is my loving nudge and ask: get out there and take a healthy risk. Be a little bit braver in something. Say yes to something that stretches you a bit. Volunteer for something new. Try something different. Sign-up for something that interests you. Then report back and let me know how it goes.

Also, if there’s any other mamas out there in ‘healthy risk land’ please make yourselves known. I feel like this needs to be a team effort. I need other moms I can text without judgment and just type: I WANT TO CONTROL EVERYTHING. 😂😂😂

xo
Mel

It doesn’t have to be a PR to be the race that required the most from you.

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Reflecting as I make my way to Gazelle Girl Half Marathon. I’m proud of the woman who showed up to this race last year. She was committed, strong and determined. She had fueled her body with love, precision and a newfound clarity that she couldn’t even fully comprehend yet. She had given her whole self to the training and goal. She was driven and she had savored every part of the journey to get there. She was realizing what her physical body and mental strength was capable of and she found a power that awed her. She pushed because there was nothing stopping her, and she loved every second of it.

She also had so little control of so many things. Life was uncertain and blowing up all around her and she could feel the waves coming. She was on the verge of disrupting so many expectations and the fear of it often paralyzed her. So she did the only thing she could to survive and find some sense of peace. She ran. She could control how much effort and grit she showed up with, and amidst the stormy weather, she could stand steady at this helm. She could bet on herself and know that what she put in would be what she got out.

I love her. I admire her, and I am so, so very proud of her. She is a favorite part of me now. She did the only thing she could and she didn’t just survive, she thrived. (And heck yeah she PR’d.)

But the girl who’s showing up this weekend?

Oh man, I love her too.

She’s stronger in a whole different and beautiful way. She’s got a calm heart and peaceful vibe. She’s light on her feet, and she’s grounded, wise and weathered. She’s been working hard on a different kind of race. She’s been putting in time, hitting her marks and gaining speed in other ways.

She’s still running strong, though not to control the outcome – but simply appreciate the privilege of the journey. She fully surrendered to the storm. She put her heart out to the world and showed up vulnerable as heck.

But best of all? The girl who’s showing up this weekend belongs to herself – she’s got nothing to prove except that she’s still here.

I see so many women chasing down dreams and PRs right now and I freaking love it. Girl, GO GET IT. This season of your life deserves all of you. Be all in. Own that fierce beating of your heart that is telling you to push and strive. You will find parts of yourself that make you so damn proud. It’s a magical season of finding your power and potential, savor it.

And I see so many women in races of a different kind. So many women showing up in storms they are finally facing, working through and enduring. Proud of all of you too. Like, really proud. And hey girl, I see you too – the one with the unfair storm that you didn’t deserve but you’re in. I know you didn’t see it coming… and now you’ve got no choice but to play that hand and fight like hell. You are the true warrior.

My PR this weekend? Proud & resilient.

PRs can be whatever we need them to be… and our journey is ours and ours alone.

Now go get yours – this weekend, in this moment, tomorrow, whenever it comes. Just make it YOURS.

xo
Mel